Smapter Chix

"Last time on Total Drama Arcade," begins Chris. "The contestants had to compete in a challenge based on the classic game, Asteroids. Teams were sent into 'outer space' in little spaceships, where Brendan did totally awesome and destroyed around 10,000 asteroids. However, my score board could only display 4 digits, so the Crane Machines ended up with zero points and lost the challenge. Afterwards, Mariah made an alliance with Rex, but unfortunately, Skyla saw the whole thing and ran away crying. Meanwhile, Jim was eliminated since he was... extremely boring. After that, Gavin made an alliance with Natasha, and Q joined in. How will these alliances work out? What sort of challenge will be in store for the contestants today? Find out on Total... Drama... Arcade!"

Team Zoey is Really, Really, Really, Really Hot is shown in their dorm. Zoey is playing a video game, LIoyd is listening to loud music and nodding his head, Enrico is drawing crude pictures in his notebook, and Kathie and Herbert are mysteriously out of sight.

"Can you blow my whistle, baby, whistle, baby," sings Enrico flirtatiously to Zoey. "Here we go." Enrico starts to whistle, and then after he's done, he makes an inappropriate motion with his fingers.

"Ew, Enrico, could you get any more disgusting?" Zoey asks in an expression of pure disgust. Enrico pulls down his pants and starts dancing around in his underwear, then pulls them back up and winks. "Yeah, I shouldn't have said that."

"Ayo Lloyd. Whatcha doin' over there, bro?" Enrico yells extremely loudly, so Lloyd can hear him. Zoey covers her ears, and Lloyd takes his headphones off. "Oh, I'm writing something for Friday. The chick came up to me last night and told me to write her a song. She's such a terrible singer, though. I don't think she can do justice to ANY song," he explains. "'Ey, I wonder where Kathie and Herbert are?"

Herbert runs in, completely nude except for a towel wrapped around his waist. "Guys, Kathie's super pissed at me, can someone hide me?" he says rapidly. "Seriously, bros, this is bad. I poured a suspicious white liquid on her head, since she made a DerpBook group called 'Herbert is ugly'!"

"All right, Herbert. Get under the covers, over there," Zoey says, pointing to the bed and attempting to help Herbert.

"Why are you helping me?" Herbert asks suspiciously, running to the bunks. "I thought you hated me and thought I was a perv. But hey, I ain't complaining, as long as I'm away from that psycho." Footsteps are then heard, stomping towards the room. "Crap, I'm done for!" he yells, and he ducks down to escape Kathie.

Sure enough, an enraged Kathie, sopping wet with a weird liquid, makes her way into the room. "Where's Herbert?!" she screams. "Come on, guyses, I need answers. Like, I would consult PJ, since she's super smart and stuff, but he stole my phone. Then, he dumped a bucket of suspicious liquids on my head! I swear, when I find him, I'm gonna..."

"Harble-darble-doo!" yells a singsong voice. Herbert pops up from behind the bed for a split second, and throws a balloon filled with ketchup at Kathie's face. It hits her smack-dab in the face, and she stomps out of the room.

"Man, our team is so... interesting," Zoey says, after the two have left.

"Yeah. Y'know what else is interesting? Zoey's butt. Heck, I could look at it all day," Enrico whispers to Lloyd. "I recommend movin' on," Lloyd responds. Enrico sighs, and shakes his head sadly.

Kathie stomps back into the room, this time holding a permanent marker. "See this?" she snaps. "This is a Sharpie. And this is also where I will draw the line, both figuratively and literally." She draws a line with the Sharpie from one side of the room to the other. "Zoey and I will sleep on this side, and you dudes will sleep on the other side. If you cross onto my side, Herbert, I'll beat you up. You have permission to beat me up if I come onto your side, which I totally won't. Have I made myself clear?"

"Um, sure," Herbert says coolly. The second she stops, he starts to giggle, and walks across the line. Herbert makes weird taunting noises, and starts shaking his butt.

"YOU LITTLE--" Kathie runs towards Herbert, and tackles him onto the ground. Herbert shrieks in agony as she pulls his hair and writhes on the ground with him. About a minute later, Herbert crawls back onto his side, and spits out a tooth. "Uuuuuu... All right, you win."

The teams are then shown in the mess hall, eating breakfast. The breakfast of the day seems to be some sort of baked bean dish, with a slimy green film over the top, and bananas on the side. Mariah and Rex are sitting at the edge of the table, away from everybody else.

"So, 'Riah. What exactly do people do in alliances? Like, do they vote out otha' peeps, or strategize, or what?" Rex asks curiously. "I've neva' really been in one, so I don't know much, sorry."

"Vote out other peeps and strategize are basically the two main parts of an alliance. As for our team, we have to make ourselves lose if we want to vote out Skyla. And Q seems a little bit too mysterious, so we should go for him at some point soon. I think he has an alliance with people from other teams," whispers Mariah.

Rex stares at Mariah, with his eyes wide. "You'd really help me vote out Skyla? If you did, I'd be fo' eva grateful, man. That chick's psycho, and she's been tryin' to kill me fo' like four years."

Mariah grins. "Of course I'll help you vote out Skyla. I don't like her either." She looks at Zoey and Caterina, sitting at the other table, by themselves. "Uh, I have to go to the bathroom. See you in a few!"

After Mariah runs off, Rex sighs and looks at Mariah, blushing. "Maaaan, she's so pretty," he gushes. Suddenly, Skyla falls from the ceiling, jumps on top of Rex, hits him in the head with a baseball bat multiple times, and then, once he's unconscious, sneaks away quietly.

Mariah walks over to Caterina and Zoey, smiles, and sits down. "Hey, Mariah! We were just talking about how you totally have a romance with Rex and how we should let him join our alliance." Caterina states happily.

"Dude!" Zoey exclaims. "You shouldn't say that! You know, Cat, some of the things we say to each other are private, and that means that not everyone should hear them."

"Gosh, I know what private means, I'm not stupid," scoffs Caterina.

"I beg to differ," mutters Mariah. "I mean, what? Anyway, what are you talking about? Rex? I was just threatening him, saying that if he doesn't shape up, I'll vote him out next. I'm not stupid either."

"Oh my god, Mariah, that's so mean," Caterina states in a small voice.

Mariah rolls her eyes, and her phone goes off. "Ooh, new text, wonder who it's from?" she says. She reads the text out loud, and says, "Hope you're having fun in the competition. Love and miss you, babe. Be sure to win the $$ for me. Love, Kyle." Her face turns completely blank.

Mariah (CONF): I kind of feel sorry about the Rex thing... Wait. No, I don't. I'm the villain of this show. I don't feel emotions! I love Kylie-poo, and him only. Rex can go die in a hole, I have to ditch him once I vote out Skyla.

Lloyd is shown sitting with Friday. "Hey, Friday. I got some lyrics for ya, all right? I'll read 'em to you, and tell me if you like 'em," he says.

"Kaykay," responds Friday. "But they better be good, because if they're not, this will be a huge waste of my time. Ready? Go."

"Up from the streets, got my new beats. Just a lonely guy, left alone to sit an' cry. Everybody walks around, me without a sound. Nobody knows my pain, in a gale of neverending rain. People say I'm a fool, I jus' wanna be cool. Boys and girls mock, it's not even a shock. Everywhere I go, people say 'oh no'," Lloyd recites.

"OMG, like, ew, those are the worst lyrics ever, I'm so disgusted, ew, ew, ew, I need some ear bleach, ew, get away from me, you can't write songs at all, ew, ew, ew, you noob," snorts Friday.

Lloyd (CONF): Y'know, maybe Friday isn't the best person to hang out with after all. I shoulda known.

"Zoey, ho intenzione di scoparti e di avere dei figli con te. Quindi, siamo in grado di avere rapporti sessuali ogni giorno e fare bambini sempre più fino a quando non esplodono. Attraente, giusto?" Enrico says, walking up to Zoey, Mariah, and Caterina.

"Wow, Enrico, you speak Italian? That's actually really cool," grins Zoey. "I love foreign languages."

"Yeah, y'know, I was born in Italy, and moved here when I was seven," Enrico explains. "That's why I have m' foreign accent."

Enrico (CONF): Hehehehe. She wouldn't think I was cool for bein' foreign if she knew what I said. But, y'know, maybe I should stop bein' so pervy around Zoey, I don't know if it's the best method for pickin' her up. I wanna date her, though.

Alyxandra walks up to Mariah's table, and says cheerfully, "Hi, guys. Mind if I sit here?"

"Alyx, you know I love you, but we're having a private discussion..." says Mariah sweetly, attempting to come up with an excuse. "Enrico, why are you still here? You need to leave, too."

"This poem is called 'Righteous Hatred'," Alyxandra recites. "What have you done to me? A fog of agony as feelings creep, once we savored bliss, wide-eyed and hand in hand, but your thirst died. A deadened cloud of bloody tears follow pain, follow love, love dissolved in a torrent of tears, I condemn you, Mariah. Oh, Mariah. Has Kyle raised you to oblivion? Have the dances you have been to been all just dreams? Do you remember the darkness of last weekend... Do you... Do you..."

"Ahahahahahaha, oh my gosh, Alyxandra, your poems are sooo cute," gushes Caterina.

"Nevermind," Mariah hesitates. "I don't think you two will be a problem."

Chris promptly walks into the mess hall. "Listen up gamers, today's challenge will start in roughly ten minutes. For today's challenge, I'll need each team to pick their most valuable player before we can begin."

"Obviously me," Tiffany smirks as she stands up for the Crane Machines.

Enrico lifts Zoey's arm, and says in an endearing matter, "I think Zoey is!" She smiles at him, but it turns into a disgusted expression once he smells her armpits.

Mariah flips her hair. "I don't know what this is for... but sure."

Chris nods. "Whac-a-Moles?" Gavin looks at the rest of his team and shrugs. "My training in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber has definitely made me into a worthy adversary."

Chris snickers and hands Tiffany, Zoey, Mariah and Gavin a bright pink princess outfit. Tiffany smiles and ecstatically says, "This matches my shoes!"

Gavin sighs as the rest of his team snickers. "On the bright side, this looks similar to the Kyoshi Warriors outfit. You'll all rue the day you made fun of an elite Earthbending soldier!"

Abruptly, Chef barges in the mess hall, wearing a poorly-made, brown gorilla outfit. He takes out a large sac and traps the three princesses, and Gavin, in it. Despite their screaming, he storms out, leaving everyone else confused as to what just happens.

Chris then says, "If you haven't caught on by now, today's challenge will be based off of the hit arcade game, Donkey Kong! It's simple, each team will try and capture their kidnapped 'princess' from Che- er, Donkey Kong. Once you save them from his wrath, you'll be safe from elimination. If you save your princess last, it's a date with me tonight."

Natasha cringes. "Aren't you like 40?"

Chris frowns. "35, thank you very much."

Kathie raises an eyebrow. "That's it? Sounds too easy."

Chris lifts a finger, "I'm not done. Along the way, Che- Donkey Kong will attempt to throw barrels at you. You can try to dodge or jump over them, but if you're hit with one, you're out of the challenge for good. If all of your members are hit by a barrel, you will automatically lose."

Rex raises his hand. "Ey, can't a team jus' stay in tha startin' mat and still win?"

Chris nods. "In theory, yes. But if the other teams don't suck and save their princesses, you'll be last."

Natasha scoffs. "You're kinda forgetting the fact that the Crane Machines only have two people here - and Team Zoey has four. How is that fair?"

"I never said it would be," Chris shrugs. He then looks at Enrico picking his nose and Herbert/Kathie having a cat-fight. "Besides, it's not like you have much competition."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Caterina screams across the room, in tears.

Natasha looks at Brendan. "Ready to do this, bud?" Brendan nods and hits his chest like a gorilla.

Chris finally says, "Any questions?"

Cat then raises her hand. "But wait, why is Chop Chop Chef dressed as a gorilla if the game is called Donkey Kong? Ahaha, my brother used to play that game before the accident."